The reason it is so unregretable is that I have 3 wonderful kids that I would do anything for. I love them and they return the love.
My oldest son has gotten himself into trouble and is now in prison. Very tough to overcome this. I feel somehow responsible.
Had I told him I loved him? Had I left him after a little argument? Had I just walked away and left him as not to waste my silly, precious time?
On the way to their home I sped like a madman and then I remembered what we had last said to each other. We had talked about how proud we were of my oldest son and we made small talk then I told him I would see him later.
Then, when I pulled up to his home the police cars were everywhere. My mom was in her gown and came running across the yard to me with her arms outstretched. She was devastated as she had just lost her first love after 50 years together.
I hurt inside so badly for all of the times I had disrespected my dad. I regretted all of the bad things I had said and done. Now as I realize I really do not know it all, and that actually I am just starting to figure life out just a little. It turns out that my dad was right about every piece of advice he ever gave.
Dad had unselfishly helped me so many times by giving his time, work and money (lots of money that no-one really knew about), The worse thing was how much I regretted getting into smoking pot when I was 14 years old and hanging out with a younger friend who had an older brother forever lying about where I was going and who I was with as I spent the night with my so-called friends.
I now know how my new "druggie" friends along with me simply took me and all of my spare time away from my family and especially took away the time on the Saturdays when I used to go with my dad and work on his cars, or just hang out with him fishing, golfing or just watching tv with him. Those are things I would now pay a million dollars to do but I will never have a chance to now.
The drugs kept me away on and off for well over 20 years as I got into them deeper and deeper and when I hit bottom it was my mom and dad who were there and who gave me a place to live in their beautiful home. My dad would take me to AA meetings until I somehow go better.
Looking back at the four so-called friends that I left my family to hang out with and do drugs when I was 14 it is interesting to note where they are now. One of them committed suicide at 19. Another overdosed in his early 30's shooting up. Another has been in and out of jail since he quit school and the last one is now a functioning alcoholic who is three times divorced with two children he can never see. It is a shame, he was always the smart one and funny one of the group and now he works a simpleton job, gets drunk, passes out and then goes to work at his minimum wage job leaving his trailor that happens to have the power tuned off about half the time.
My dad used to tell me, those kids are not helping you, they are using you! They all came from poorer, broken homes and they did not respect authority and they would break the law.
I thought my dad was wrong for making such a general and critical statement about my so-called friends but he turned out to be 100% right. He would me, "Son, you are better than that, you are a smart guy who can do anything in this life you want to do!" I never really understood until I was able to get straight and backup and see what was really going on. They may have been my friends in some ways but they sure did use my money a lot and stayed at my house a lot too. They always had my mom and grandmother taking me and my so-called friends to the mall or other places where we could go and get high and hang out.
I have finally pulled my life together enough to rebuild my marriage and have one baby since my dad passed. I was able to actually spend some decent time with my dad and mom for a few years and I gave them the best grand kids ever.
Finally I just wished I could have him how much he meant to me for being my dad and all of the many things he did for my own good. But there is no going back, so I beg you people...If you love or appreciate someone out there, you had better tell them ever so often how much you care about them or else. You have been warned or as my pastor said...Never let the sun go down on an argument.
Now, I said had a new son since that horrid phone call and now every time I hear that song, In the Living Years, by Mike and the Mechanics, I just weep like a baby. God, I wish I would not have cut my family off and wasted all of that precious time when I could been with them, I was just a gullible, silly 14 year old with his head up his rear who thought he was right and too cool for his dumb daddy. Now I cry for my dad's advice in the middle of the night and I would give away all I have just to tell him I love him, just once!
Don't let a 14 or 15 year old leave you with the most messed up life you could ever have had. My case proves it. Four out of five of us, that is my drug buddies and I, destroyed their lives over decisions they made when they were young teens. I was headed that way but my dad and mom were there to get me help when I got in too deep and they did not give up on me like some of the others did when I relapsed or failed at life again and again, until it worked. Now I am alive and I want my dad...but in a way he still lives in me because without him I am probably dead.
My one regret is not being the Father I could have been to my only son. His mother and I divorced when he was 7 and I left the state get get my life back on track. I visited him very, very often but not being there with him all of the time took from our relationship. I came back "into" his life when he was 17 and we have a good relationship now (he is 34). But something is missing. I love him dearly and now, during my time of illness, he is marvelous to me but still , something is missing. I just try to ebrace what we do have and it seems to work.
I also regret not having the guts to tell my best friend that I had feelings for him. I made myself believe that it would be better to make sure I did not hurt him by keeping the relationship platonic. I now realize we could have had a wonderful life together if I had just taken a chance. I have never met a person as wonderful as he is and I am amazed at the person he has grown into. If I ever have the opportunity, I will tell him how foolish I was.
I wish I wouldnt have waisted so much time trying to figure things out....
I believe there is strength and power in the ability to just say, "I don't know!"
Losing a good friend.